Slut, liar, many faces revealed

Today I threw my hands up and decided to do something about my life. On the whole it is amazing. I have a man who loves me. A beautiful mansion.  I have the ideal set for 40 something year old me with young kids.  I am the every other weekend mom.  (a tough topic, we will tackle another time).  But there are many things I am lacking in and am filling my thought life and activities with not so healthy things that leave me suffering with paranoid delusions, grandiose thinking, bouts of depression and laziness. I find lies floating out of my mouth without even thinking. I do things in the quiet moments that do not reinforce a fuzzy feeling about me or my character in general.

I want to change that.

But the only way to change is to set small goals evaluate what is wrong and take steps to behave differently. #1 When I am blogging and evaluating the bad I will write in blue. I will write in black when I am coming up with a plan to change the behaviors that are not ones I desire to continue.

Reality.  I talk the talk. I make big plans and I don't follow through. I can overcome any challenges. I have survived my life and its beginnings. Abandonment, rape, incest, neglect, and instability, (to name a few). But yet although I am not a homeless, drug adduct, I have hidden internal scars, with a thought life I most assuredly certain I could be committed for.

I have made changes based on that upbringing that have included prostitution, drug and alcohol abuse, and abandoning my own kids. I also have made changes in the course of bad choices that have reunited me with kiddos, developed employable skills and stayed out of the welfare line.

To see me face to face, you would never believe I am a former stripper, slut, home wrecker, user, liar.  I also have fallen the other way and have had my home wrecked by someone just like me, cheated on and been used myself.  It was the turning of the tables that changed my soul.

I truly believe I could be classified as mentally ill, given my life choices, events and internal thought life; which includes suicide, murder and all the deadly sins.  Reality.  I know everyone contemplates if even briefly the thoughts I am willing to put in writing. But when I really look at myself.  I never have a plan.  Brief thoughts, flashes.  Still they are there. Wish they weren't. As I write this I do feel scared that this could be used against me and take away all that I have worked to overcome.  But I am beyond that and ready to surrender.  I believe mental illness is overcomable without medication when you have the cognizance to recognize your thinking stands correction.

So today I walk with a plan to reorganize. I know I am not alone.  My journey may not be a pretty one.  But I am walking it today.  join me if you dare.

Signed the slut, whore, thought police.